Sunday, May 25, 2014

I don't really know what to say

Hi everybody.

Sorry I've been so absent from the gaming community lately. I've been, well ...

breaking down?

coming apart?

unraveling? Unraveling. That's the best description for what this has felt like.

Tracey and I have both been sick for a while, swapping flu-like symptoms back and forth on top of our other health problems.

And for some reason, I have been experiencing unexplained -- and unexpected -- bouts of anxiety, up to the point of a couple of panic attacks. It's been nearly two decades since I had anything like that happen, and back then they were brought on by the combination of a divorce and losing my job within a month or so of each other.

Now, there's no explanation. It just hits me. Today, I went into a bookstore and was nearly paralyzed with terror. I mean, damn. I spent the early '90s working in a bookstore as an assistant manager. There's no reason for me to panic in public.

I am the public face of mine and Tracey's partnership. She is at home, and I am the mobile half, out running what errands we need done, interfacing with the public where necessary, making appointments, visiting stores, and so on. Why am I suddenly exhibiting what looks like social anxiety disorder? It doesn't make sense to me.

I've even had trouble logging on to the Internet. I'll look at a link or a page, and all of a sudden I'm seized with a sense of unease about it, a queasiness that grabs my heart and won't let go. Am I suddenly becoming a Luddite? I hope not, as I have technology embedded in my chest. I'd have to up my self-loathing quotient.

Needless to say, my hobby activity has dropped to almost nil. It's been all I can do to log on to the Lead Painter League to vote every week, to keep up with the new releases Craig and Charles are doing for the IHMN Gothic expansion. I've tried to keep up with the blogs I read to see what everybody's doing, and I have remained somewhat active on Facebook, because, let's face it, Facebook is like the Denny's menu of the Internet. All you have to do is point at the pictures of what you want, no reading or commentary required. "Like." Done.

So this is all by way of saying that a brief hiatus is necessary, actually mandatory. I'll be back, probably sooner than later. I hope to have more information on many of the strange characters I've introduced you to, and actual game stats for them. Despite my mental fugue, there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about the world I'm constructing out there in the fictive universe somewhere, and I long to bring you more introductions and enable you to use them, or their analogues, in your own steampunk games if you like.

And I also think about all of you on at least a daily basis. It may sound insincere, but I do value and love you all. You mean a great deal to me, and our interactions are cherished. Keep up the good work, everyone, and I'll rejoin you soon.

All my love -- Christopher


  1. I've had mental health problems too (there's a lot of us about!) and know how paralyzing they can be. Sometimes physical health problems can be a trigger.

    You've got to do what you need to to get better. If that means us going without your blog for a while, so be it. There are more important things.

    Take care. Hopefully we'll hear more from you soon.

  2. I was just wondering the other day about you. You've been pretty diligent about posting regularly so I was surprised when looking in my feed to see it had been nearly a month!

    My sympathies to you and your wife about being sick and the emotional difficulties. Get better and I hope to see you around the interwebs more!

  3. I'm sorry to hear this, its bad but not as bad as it could be. Here's to a speedy recovery.

  4. This has to be a really difficult time for you and you have both my sympathy and support.
    Rememeber though that the blogging community is always helpful and ever-present, if only for you to use a sounding board.

  5. Chris, just to let you know that you and your wife are in my prayers. I hope both of you get well soon. Your health must come ahead of blogging but even if you do take a long break, we'll always be here for you. God bless you both.

  6. I've been lax in keeping up with the blogs so I just saw this. I'm sorry that you have been unwell and are feeling anxious now. Sounds like you need a little "me" time. Take care of yourself and don't worry about us. We will be here when you're ready to share your incredible imagination.

  7. Take your time, health and peace of mind are more important. We'll be here when you're ready.